measured_words (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
measured_words) wrote2006-03-06 02:47 am
measured_words) wrote2006-03-06 02:47 am
Entry tags:
Pieces 12
This is a bit late, but hey, it is still Sunday night. It is also a bit short, but I didn't get to start writing until nearly one. I didn't get to do what I was hoping to since I didn't have as much time to write as I'd hoped. This is filler, but I hope that it won't be too disappointing.
Other Pieces
It's a quiet night for the city. I can hear some passing cars, and music from a party. A few starts, or perhaps satellites, shine brightly through the haze and the light clouds. The moon, partially obscured, is waxing gibbous. The air is still humid, and the grass damp from the rain this afternoon. There is no reason for me to be awake at this late hour. There is no real reason for me to sleep, either. It is healthier, I know, to stick to a regular schedule. Some nights my mind rebels against the regularity and keeps me awake.
Standing beneath the pine in the back yard reminds me of my first realization that I was no longer on earth. There were other clues, like the people, and the technology levels, and other things, but that was all before I had a chance to do anything but react. The trees, though, had too many needles to be pines, though they otherwise looked the part. It is strange to think of those early days on Nas Unara. I was so different. My thoughts were so much simpler before I began to come out of my fugue. I lost track of time, trailing Lucca across that empty continent.
It didn't seem strange at the time. She was a reality Deviant, with access to powerful technology. I had no other clues, and no orders. I had nothing more to consider than ingrained enmity. I think that long march through the forests and swamps of Kantir, and all that time alone with no one but myself, forced me to become more self-reliant, and self aware. I find forests make me more introspective, and self-conscious now. I feel it tonight, even in the middle of the city.
I don't understand what I want from my life here. Nothing makes sense. Society seems by turns boring and daunting. I feel distant from everything. I question myself constantly. I am an outsider everywhere, even with people I used to be very close with. Especially with them. I've barely even thought of contacting my parents, assuming they are both still alive. We hadn't been close in some time, but it still seems like something I *should* have thought of. Am I inconsiderate? Apathetic? I don't know.
It would be easy to go anywhere else and start over, but the idea holds no thrills. I will never be able to have a normal life, and I would never be content with one. It is a dream for other people. I am no one now. I have no friends or allies. I don't even have Anna, and I never will, now. Our time is over. Once she is over her confusion, she will see it – see that her life is better without the complications that I bring. She'll be sorry, but she'll ask me to go.
How else can this end?
I'll have nothing left then. Maybe I will end up back with the Union afterall. Maybe I could do it, if there was really nothing else. Not with the order, though, and not in the field. Maybe I could work with the Engineers, if I can keep straight their endless parade of acronyms. I've been to the heart of the void, or one of its hearts, that should interest them. I could be satisfied with that, perhaps, but not happy. I could accept it, if there was nothing else.
I feel resigned, right now. I can't escape the other, secret, world of things that shouldn't exist. I can't put it behind me. I couldn't even if it didn't contain my wife, and my son. Without it, I would be nothing. Plato said that a man who has seen the light, has stepped outside of the cave, can never make that enclosed darkness his whole world again. It's true. It is inescapable. No matter what I want, I can't turn my back without making myself a target. The most I can do is try to be honest about with those I do care about – honest and fair with Anna.
She is always on my mind. I think of what I will do if I do see her again. It changes, because I don't know what I want. I want her to be happy, so I tell her to forget me. I want her to be happy with me, so we kiss and I feel alive again. I feel ashamed, because I am using her.
Even if I can connect with her, I am apprehensive about Danny. It's so overwhelming that I helped create this person, that she named him for me even though she had no idea what had happened to me, that I have never met him. Sometimes it seems like he was the catalyst for all of this, but that is an unbalanced view. He did nothing. He was born, he was taken. He was passive. I am anxious for him to accept me, in some form. I want him to be safe and happy. I fear he will resent me, and why wouldn't he?
One of the stars above me winks out. It was too bright to be a real star, in any case. It still feels ominous, somehow, or final. The night is clouding over, and the wind is picking up. There is no sense in staying out. The moon has no answers for me – just cold light and a half veiled face. I head back inside, hoping these thoughts will fade away like the night and its false stars.
Other Pieces
It's a quiet night for the city. I can hear some passing cars, and music from a party. A few starts, or perhaps satellites, shine brightly through the haze and the light clouds. The moon, partially obscured, is waxing gibbous. The air is still humid, and the grass damp from the rain this afternoon. There is no reason for me to be awake at this late hour. There is no real reason for me to sleep, either. It is healthier, I know, to stick to a regular schedule. Some nights my mind rebels against the regularity and keeps me awake.
Standing beneath the pine in the back yard reminds me of my first realization that I was no longer on earth. There were other clues, like the people, and the technology levels, and other things, but that was all before I had a chance to do anything but react. The trees, though, had too many needles to be pines, though they otherwise looked the part. It is strange to think of those early days on Nas Unara. I was so different. My thoughts were so much simpler before I began to come out of my fugue. I lost track of time, trailing Lucca across that empty continent.
It didn't seem strange at the time. She was a reality Deviant, with access to powerful technology. I had no other clues, and no orders. I had nothing more to consider than ingrained enmity. I think that long march through the forests and swamps of Kantir, and all that time alone with no one but myself, forced me to become more self-reliant, and self aware. I find forests make me more introspective, and self-conscious now. I feel it tonight, even in the middle of the city.
I don't understand what I want from my life here. Nothing makes sense. Society seems by turns boring and daunting. I feel distant from everything. I question myself constantly. I am an outsider everywhere, even with people I used to be very close with. Especially with them. I've barely even thought of contacting my parents, assuming they are both still alive. We hadn't been close in some time, but it still seems like something I *should* have thought of. Am I inconsiderate? Apathetic? I don't know.
It would be easy to go anywhere else and start over, but the idea holds no thrills. I will never be able to have a normal life, and I would never be content with one. It is a dream for other people. I am no one now. I have no friends or allies. I don't even have Anna, and I never will, now. Our time is over. Once she is over her confusion, she will see it – see that her life is better without the complications that I bring. She'll be sorry, but she'll ask me to go.
How else can this end?
I'll have nothing left then. Maybe I will end up back with the Union afterall. Maybe I could do it, if there was really nothing else. Not with the order, though, and not in the field. Maybe I could work with the Engineers, if I can keep straight their endless parade of acronyms. I've been to the heart of the void, or one of its hearts, that should interest them. I could be satisfied with that, perhaps, but not happy. I could accept it, if there was nothing else.
I feel resigned, right now. I can't escape the other, secret, world of things that shouldn't exist. I can't put it behind me. I couldn't even if it didn't contain my wife, and my son. Without it, I would be nothing. Plato said that a man who has seen the light, has stepped outside of the cave, can never make that enclosed darkness his whole world again. It's true. It is inescapable. No matter what I want, I can't turn my back without making myself a target. The most I can do is try to be honest about with those I do care about – honest and fair with Anna.
She is always on my mind. I think of what I will do if I do see her again. It changes, because I don't know what I want. I want her to be happy, so I tell her to forget me. I want her to be happy with me, so we kiss and I feel alive again. I feel ashamed, because I am using her.
Even if I can connect with her, I am apprehensive about Danny. It's so overwhelming that I helped create this person, that she named him for me even though she had no idea what had happened to me, that I have never met him. Sometimes it seems like he was the catalyst for all of this, but that is an unbalanced view. He did nothing. He was born, he was taken. He was passive. I am anxious for him to accept me, in some form. I want him to be safe and happy. I fear he will resent me, and why wouldn't he?
One of the stars above me winks out. It was too bright to be a real star, in any case. It still feels ominous, somehow, or final. The night is clouding over, and the wind is picking up. There is no sense in staying out. The moon has no answers for me – just cold light and a half veiled face. I head back inside, hoping these thoughts will fade away like the night and its false stars.
no subject
"I had no other clued" - clues
"Society seems by turned boring and daunting" - turns
"but it is still seems like something I *should* have thought of" - remove 'is'
Lucca
she went from point A to point B in a chapter, and Daniel likewise followed... Once we did get a map established, iy turned out that the distance between two points was, oh, the distance of about the eastern seaboard of North America... Ahh well :D
no subject
Woe. And darkness. And teh sad.