Shadows 2.1
Aug. 14th, 2006 10:04 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
measured_wordsShadows – Chapter 2
She looked the letter over again. It had come the day before and when she’d read it. She’d wanted nothing more than to tear it to pieces – shred it and then shred Emmerson, and Deryc, and Noren, and any other Espada unfortunate enough to cross her path. Unfortunately, there had been only Galawyn, demurely overlooking yet another of the High Priestess’s outbursts, and whispering a quiet prayer when she thought Shevan’s attention was directed elsewhere.
But everything was worse in the mornings. She’d gone through the morning’s devotions. She’s felt hollow, empty. Guilty. She missed the calming certainty her faith used to bring her. Esthalos still knew her – he still granted her spells – but she no longer felt close to Him. She no longer drew comfort, or strength, from him, when she needed it most. It made her anxious. And everyone expected more from her. Expected too much, even, and then couldn’t listen to or accept her decisions. Everything was frustrating. All anyone ever did was point out what she was doing wrong. All she did was listen for a voice that no longer answered.
Except that maybe he had. Maybe.
Shevan,
I hope you don’t think I was put up to this. I wasn’t. I offered to write to you after I learned of your troubles. I’m not sure if you knew, but Noren Alders sent a message to the High Templar about you. Just a short note, I’m sure you can imagine but concerning. He was asking for guidance, not betraying you in any fashion, so please don’t see it that way. Details are vague, but he was worried that you were losing your way – losing your faith. He said you’d been put in a real trying position.
I’m sorry to hear this, Shevan. I remember what you were like at the seminary – sharp, confident, capable. Full of faith. I know it’s been a long time since we spoke. We’ve both been busy getting on with life, serving in our own ways. I’m sorry for that as well. I never imagined we could lose touch, and I didn’t see it when it did. I don’t know if you feel the same way about how things went. But that’s all in the past.
I’m writing this because you are my friend, and I heard that you needed help. I’m not sure with what, I mean if it is the people, the job, or something more concerning. I want to be a better friend. I want to help you – to give you guidance if that’s what you need, or support, or just honest friendship. I hope you know that you can trust me, always.
If you like, I can come to you. We’re getting a little short on men up here, but I know that Deryc would understand how important this is. But you are welcome, and more than that, wanted, here. Please come, Shevan. Let me, let us, help you, even if just for a little while. It sounds like it would do you some good to get away. Consider it, at least. I hope to hear from you or, even better, to see you soon.
Sincerest regards,
Emmerson Wayde
Of course she remembered Emmerson. They’d been in training for the priesthood together years ago. She remembered staying up late at nigh, walking under the stars, or drinking coffee with Leia and Elise or Ander, discussing points of theology. She knew what had happened to Leia and Ander. A few minutes difference and it might have been one of them here in Shinkyo, head of the entire order, instead of her. Elise had gone north to the Lucanian Kingdoms after graduation. And Emmerson to the Espada. No one had been surprised by that, but she had always been a little sad. Not quite disappointed – it suited him too well. Just sad to see him go.
Yesterday, after an afternoon of insolence and incompetence, balanced out with more bickering with Volaris over this idea of a council and what their priorities should be, the letter had seemed most unwelcome. Another person who thought her incapable, and thought they knew what was best for her. In the hollowness of her morning prayers, however, she’d found herself rethinking that position. It was hard to imagine Emmerson being insincere. She cold go, and wash her hand of her responsibilities. Let Galawyn and Volaris taste the same bitter fare that they had placed before her. They weren’t ready for it, but she hadn’t been ready either.
The anger in her mind was sharp enough to cut, but she was the only viable target. Shevan knew her thoughts were unfair. It would be hardest on Galawyn. She was a good priestess – faithful and wise. But young and inexperienced. She would grow into her role, if she survived it. And Lynel would never put her into the same position he’d placed Shevan. Head of her order by default, she’d been given the responsibility of managing the Loyalists as well. The jobs were at odds with each other. As High Priestess of the Church of Esthalos in Exia, she should be the moral compass of the cause. But they asked her for things that se knew little about – asked her to step into greyer and greyer territory. No wonder Esthalos had grown distant.
It would be hard on them, but she couldn’t achieve anything here except hr own destruction. It would have to work out. And the Espada, especially Emmerson, might be able to help her. Maybe what she needed was a change. Or to be able to see, directly, the fruits of her efforts.
She felt better once the decisions was made. She considered making a public announcement or waiting until Lynel and Chancellor Tavik returned, but dismissed both these possibilities. She didn’t want any more drama. She didn’t want to see any gloating or satisfied faces. She didn’t want any pity, either – she’d rather just leave and be done with it. The prince would understand, she was sure, after the words they’d exchanged before he’d taken off again.
She looked around the room. She would pack first, then call in Galawyn and Volaris. And then she’d go north to the keep where Emmerson waited.
She looked the letter over again. It had come the day before and when she’d read it. She’d wanted nothing more than to tear it to pieces – shred it and then shred Emmerson, and Deryc, and Noren, and any other Espada unfortunate enough to cross her path. Unfortunately, there had been only Galawyn, demurely overlooking yet another of the High Priestess’s outbursts, and whispering a quiet prayer when she thought Shevan’s attention was directed elsewhere.
But everything was worse in the mornings. She’d gone through the morning’s devotions. She’s felt hollow, empty. Guilty. She missed the calming certainty her faith used to bring her. Esthalos still knew her – he still granted her spells – but she no longer felt close to Him. She no longer drew comfort, or strength, from him, when she needed it most. It made her anxious. And everyone expected more from her. Expected too much, even, and then couldn’t listen to or accept her decisions. Everything was frustrating. All anyone ever did was point out what she was doing wrong. All she did was listen for a voice that no longer answered.
Except that maybe he had. Maybe.
Shevan,
I hope you don’t think I was put up to this. I wasn’t. I offered to write to you after I learned of your troubles. I’m not sure if you knew, but Noren Alders sent a message to the High Templar about you. Just a short note, I’m sure you can imagine but concerning. He was asking for guidance, not betraying you in any fashion, so please don’t see it that way. Details are vague, but he was worried that you were losing your way – losing your faith. He said you’d been put in a real trying position.
I’m sorry to hear this, Shevan. I remember what you were like at the seminary – sharp, confident, capable. Full of faith. I know it’s been a long time since we spoke. We’ve both been busy getting on with life, serving in our own ways. I’m sorry for that as well. I never imagined we could lose touch, and I didn’t see it when it did. I don’t know if you feel the same way about how things went. But that’s all in the past.
I’m writing this because you are my friend, and I heard that you needed help. I’m not sure with what, I mean if it is the people, the job, or something more concerning. I want to be a better friend. I want to help you – to give you guidance if that’s what you need, or support, or just honest friendship. I hope you know that you can trust me, always.
If you like, I can come to you. We’re getting a little short on men up here, but I know that Deryc would understand how important this is. But you are welcome, and more than that, wanted, here. Please come, Shevan. Let me, let us, help you, even if just for a little while. It sounds like it would do you some good to get away. Consider it, at least. I hope to hear from you or, even better, to see you soon.
Sincerest regards,
Emmerson Wayde
Of course she remembered Emmerson. They’d been in training for the priesthood together years ago. She remembered staying up late at nigh, walking under the stars, or drinking coffee with Leia and Elise or Ander, discussing points of theology. She knew what had happened to Leia and Ander. A few minutes difference and it might have been one of them here in Shinkyo, head of the entire order, instead of her. Elise had gone north to the Lucanian Kingdoms after graduation. And Emmerson to the Espada. No one had been surprised by that, but she had always been a little sad. Not quite disappointed – it suited him too well. Just sad to see him go.
Yesterday, after an afternoon of insolence and incompetence, balanced out with more bickering with Volaris over this idea of a council and what their priorities should be, the letter had seemed most unwelcome. Another person who thought her incapable, and thought they knew what was best for her. In the hollowness of her morning prayers, however, she’d found herself rethinking that position. It was hard to imagine Emmerson being insincere. She cold go, and wash her hand of her responsibilities. Let Galawyn and Volaris taste the same bitter fare that they had placed before her. They weren’t ready for it, but she hadn’t been ready either.
The anger in her mind was sharp enough to cut, but she was the only viable target. Shevan knew her thoughts were unfair. It would be hardest on Galawyn. She was a good priestess – faithful and wise. But young and inexperienced. She would grow into her role, if she survived it. And Lynel would never put her into the same position he’d placed Shevan. Head of her order by default, she’d been given the responsibility of managing the Loyalists as well. The jobs were at odds with each other. As High Priestess of the Church of Esthalos in Exia, she should be the moral compass of the cause. But they asked her for things that se knew little about – asked her to step into greyer and greyer territory. No wonder Esthalos had grown distant.
It would be hard on them, but she couldn’t achieve anything here except hr own destruction. It would have to work out. And the Espada, especially Emmerson, might be able to help her. Maybe what she needed was a change. Or to be able to see, directly, the fruits of her efforts.
She felt better once the decisions was made. She considered making a public announcement or waiting until Lynel and Chancellor Tavik returned, but dismissed both these possibilities. She didn’t want any more drama. She didn’t want to see any gloating or satisfied faces. She didn’t want any pity, either – she’d rather just leave and be done with it. The prince would understand, she was sure, after the words they’d exchanged before he’d taken off again.
She looked around the room. She would pack first, then call in Galawyn and Volaris. And then she’d go north to the keep where Emmerson waited.
