Pieces Part twenty Five
Jun. 30th, 2007 10:22 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
measured_wordsI actually wrote this last summer, but I always thought that I would expand it (it is quite short). In the end I decided to leave it as is so I could pick up with a new bit. Which is now written and should be posted later today. I may post a quick summary of what all has happened so far, since I know that it has been a while since anyone has looked at this stuff...
For now I give you your traditional link to Other Pieces
There is more than one thing wrong with my mind. This should be obvious, but perhaps it is not surprising that I lack perspective. One: I have a difficult time feeling emotionally connected to the world around me. Two: when I do manage to feel any kind of connection, I am not able to rationally cope with these situations. Xi claimed that I am depressed, at our meeting. That is possible. I am not an expert in these matters. It might help explain my attitude towards Anna, especially now. I know that she has called me again, but I haven’t answered. She sounds worried. I don’t know what to say, and I don’t see how I could reassure her, or fix any other damage I may have done. I owe her the attempt, and more, but I have done nothing.
It seems to me that my mind is set on a scale. On one side is rationality, and at the far side, irrationality. Right now, the bar is close to the near edge. I am very calm. It is easy for me to make this analysis. Previously, it swung to the far side. My thoughts and actions were much less within my control. They didn’t make sense. I can’t seem to find a balance between these extremes. I’m not even convinced that this is a healthy analogy. It’s too simple to represent a healthy mind, or person. But I am neither.
This rational thinking part of me, the mind conceiving these thoughts, is not in control. I am lying in bed, again. My eyes are open, staring at the ceiling. I’m intimately familiar with all the patterns in the stucco. It seems though it should be no effort at all to get up, shower, dress, go out. Go to the gym, shopping, anything. I can’t. Contemplating actual action relinquishes control to irrationality. I can think, or I can despair. I can only act on despair. It won’t do. I don’t know how to break free from this, and this is why I haven’t spoken to Anna. I hear the phone ring, and I can’t force myself to rise, or answer.
For now I give you your traditional link to Other Pieces
There is more than one thing wrong with my mind. This should be obvious, but perhaps it is not surprising that I lack perspective. One: I have a difficult time feeling emotionally connected to the world around me. Two: when I do manage to feel any kind of connection, I am not able to rationally cope with these situations. Xi claimed that I am depressed, at our meeting. That is possible. I am not an expert in these matters. It might help explain my attitude towards Anna, especially now. I know that she has called me again, but I haven’t answered. She sounds worried. I don’t know what to say, and I don’t see how I could reassure her, or fix any other damage I may have done. I owe her the attempt, and more, but I have done nothing.
It seems to me that my mind is set on a scale. On one side is rationality, and at the far side, irrationality. Right now, the bar is close to the near edge. I am very calm. It is easy for me to make this analysis. Previously, it swung to the far side. My thoughts and actions were much less within my control. They didn’t make sense. I can’t seem to find a balance between these extremes. I’m not even convinced that this is a healthy analogy. It’s too simple to represent a healthy mind, or person. But I am neither.
This rational thinking part of me, the mind conceiving these thoughts, is not in control. I am lying in bed, again. My eyes are open, staring at the ceiling. I’m intimately familiar with all the patterns in the stucco. It seems though it should be no effort at all to get up, shower, dress, go out. Go to the gym, shopping, anything. I can’t. Contemplating actual action relinquishes control to irrationality. I can think, or I can despair. I can only act on despair. It won’t do. I don’t know how to break free from this, and this is why I haven’t spoken to Anna. I hear the phone ring, and I can’t force myself to rise, or answer.
