Pieces Thirteen
Mar. 11th, 2006 11:36 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
measured_wordsThe winner takes it all, indeed. This song is on my (ever growing) Pieces playlist for a reason. I am very satisfied with this section. I think it works well, but then, I have a very clear picture in my mind of this scene. I hope it translates well, and am curious to see others' interpretations.
Other Pieces
I have finally heard back from Victor Brown. He deleted my comment and left me a message in an old code in his next post, with an ip address and instructions for accessing a secure video chat room. I will meet with him in three days, at 19h00, PST. He didn't give any hint as to what he might have to say, but he didn't have to arrange anything at all. It could be some kind of trap, but it would have been just as easy for him to pass my information along to someone else and wash his hands of me. That doesn't mean that he might not have an agenda of his own, or that I can necessarily trust him.
I dislike having to be so paranoid all the time. I worked with Brown, and Xi for that matter, for years. There was a time when I knew I could rely on either of them to save my life, and that they would do likewise. I would like to think that I can still trust them, but I don't know that I can. Xi's loyalties are clearly with the Order, even if he claims that he is willing to protect me to some degree. I can't help but see a conflict there, and one that ultimately cannot work in my favour. Brown may be more flexible, but I have no idea what he has been doing for the past few years. I'll have to see. It would be nice to feel like I could rely on someone else in this, but for now it is safer to assume that I can't.
Meanwhile, I have been trying to find other things to occupy my time. I have been running regularly, and expanding my circuit of the neighborhood. Alita gave me some information about a gym as well, where she teaches yoga and pilates. They have some other classes, good equipment, and are well priced. I purchased a trial membership, but it is really a very different training environment than I am used to. Still, if things work out well there, I may look in to taking some kind of martial arts for something extra. I've had some experience with various forms, but I've never learned a particular form, or philosophy. Ideally, however, I can find something to fill my time that doesn’t involve physical training every day. An idle mind is a dangerous thing.
I am looking through the newspaper, ostensibly to keep abreast of current events, but my focus is lacking. I have glanced through the classifieds twice now, seeking inspiration and finding nothing. The news holds nothing for me today either. I reach for another paper, this one local, and the phone rings.
I reach for the receiver. Everytime it rings, I feel a sudden tightness in my shoulders and neck. So few people have this number. Anna is the only one who has called me, but I was not expecting her to call – we had agreed that I would be the one to call her, next time, and scheduled in advance. I am wary, but of course, I answer.
"Hello?"
"Hello." A man's voice, and guarded. Not Xi, or anyone else familiar. "Is this Daniel?"
I ignore the impulse to hang up immediately – it wouldn't resolve anything. "May I ask who's speaking, please."
"Ahhh. Well, my name is Grant, Grant Summer."
"I see." Anna's …boyfriend, I suppose. But what does he want? I don't need a mirror to know that I have slipped back into a more guarded mode myself. I can feel it. The tension is still there, my face has relaxed into a neutral blankness. My voice is flat, but not overtly hostile. But is this how I want to present myself? How do I really feel now? Still wary.
"This is Daniel, then?"
"It is, yes." I pause, as I decide what to ask next, or rather, how to phrase it. "How may I help you?"
"Well, obviously, you know who I am. I just wanted to have a chance to talk to you myself." He sounds more confident now, but I still wonder what he really wants.
"Does Anna know about this?"
"No. Well. I told her I was thinking of it, but not that I had decided to. She didn't think it would be a good idea." Maybe confident is the wrong term. He sounds more relaxed. I am not certain that I want to have this conversation at all. What do I have to say to this man?
"And what led you to that decision?"
"Well… Anna did. She's really upset, and I care about her."
What does he mean by that? "And how is this conversation designed to help with that?"
"I guess it's not. I really doubt there is anything that either one of us could do or say to make this resolve neatly… I thought it might help me to help her."
"I'm not sure what you mean."
"Yeah, me either. I guess I'm just trying to decide whether or not I think she should have anything to do with you."
I can't say that it isn't his business, not honestly. Of course he has an interest in this, whether I like it or not. "That's not really your decision to make."
"Well, I guess I can't *make* her do anything, but she trusts me, and she trusts my judgment." Before this call, it didn't bother me, or I didn't believe it did, to think that Anna would try and be happy with someone else. But listening to him talk this way, as though he has the power to change her mind causes my irrational mind to rebel at the idea that it could or should be possible. She is still my wife. There is something between us still, and he is the intruder. To my annoyance, he continues. "If I tell her that, say, you're dangerous to her or Danny, that you are using her, or even that you're just a bad person…"
"I'm not putting her in danger. Her or our son." I hope, at least, that this is true. I know I sound defensive, but why shouldn't I? He is accusing me, if not threatening to sabotage the only thing I have that is important to me.
"Look, this isn't coming across right." He is placating now, but I sense a hint of frustration as well. "I don't know you. I am trying to look out for people that I care very much about. You may be Danny's actual father, but I'm the one who has been helping raise him. He's my son too. He doesn't know any other father. I'm not just going to give them up because you've suddenly shown up from nowhere. But I'm not afraid of losing. I'll fight fair if I think you will, and if I think that she'd be in good hands with you."
Is this a point of honor for him? I recall that, from somewhere, that they're an honorable people. It was meant to be a trait to exploit, but I see no advantage in it. Of course he feels committed. I am disinclined to like him on principle, but that doesn't mean that he is a bad person, or even bad for Anna. He is bad for 'Anna and I', but that is natural. I am not even always sure what I want from her, although things seem so much clearer in this moment.
"I understand." I am still guarded – this man is still my adversary, my enemy. But I am less apprehensive now that I have a better grasp of his intentions. I'd chosen the rules I would play by before I'd ever heard of him. "I want Anna to make her own choices." I want her to choose me because she wants to. If it were otherwise, she would have been mine in Portland, if not long before.
On the other end of the line, Grant is thinking, perhaps trying to judge my answer for its truth. It is what I would do.
"Alright then. She's been talking about going to see you in person. I just needed to know that it was something I could let her risk."
"She is safe with me." So she is considering it, for real this time. And does this mean that she hasn't told him about Portland? Maybe she worried that he would stop her, and maybe he would have.
"I can accept that. But that doesn't mean, Daniel, that I think it's a good idea. I won't stop her if it's what she really wants, but if you are trying to take her away from me then this *is* going to be a fight." It seems an honest challenge.
"I can accept that as well." It is nice to know where things stand on at least one issue in my life.
"I guess that's all I've got to say."
"Then good day, Mr. Summer."
"Same to you." Finally, he hangs up. After all that, I am much less anxious, even satisfied. I don't feel that my reactions were unwarranted, or even over rationalized. It was an acceptable confrontation, and now I know I will see Anna – it is only a matter of time.
Other Pieces
I have finally heard back from Victor Brown. He deleted my comment and left me a message in an old code in his next post, with an ip address and instructions for accessing a secure video chat room. I will meet with him in three days, at 19h00, PST. He didn't give any hint as to what he might have to say, but he didn't have to arrange anything at all. It could be some kind of trap, but it would have been just as easy for him to pass my information along to someone else and wash his hands of me. That doesn't mean that he might not have an agenda of his own, or that I can necessarily trust him.
I dislike having to be so paranoid all the time. I worked with Brown, and Xi for that matter, for years. There was a time when I knew I could rely on either of them to save my life, and that they would do likewise. I would like to think that I can still trust them, but I don't know that I can. Xi's loyalties are clearly with the Order, even if he claims that he is willing to protect me to some degree. I can't help but see a conflict there, and one that ultimately cannot work in my favour. Brown may be more flexible, but I have no idea what he has been doing for the past few years. I'll have to see. It would be nice to feel like I could rely on someone else in this, but for now it is safer to assume that I can't.
Meanwhile, I have been trying to find other things to occupy my time. I have been running regularly, and expanding my circuit of the neighborhood. Alita gave me some information about a gym as well, where she teaches yoga and pilates. They have some other classes, good equipment, and are well priced. I purchased a trial membership, but it is really a very different training environment than I am used to. Still, if things work out well there, I may look in to taking some kind of martial arts for something extra. I've had some experience with various forms, but I've never learned a particular form, or philosophy. Ideally, however, I can find something to fill my time that doesn’t involve physical training every day. An idle mind is a dangerous thing.
I am looking through the newspaper, ostensibly to keep abreast of current events, but my focus is lacking. I have glanced through the classifieds twice now, seeking inspiration and finding nothing. The news holds nothing for me today either. I reach for another paper, this one local, and the phone rings.
I reach for the receiver. Everytime it rings, I feel a sudden tightness in my shoulders and neck. So few people have this number. Anna is the only one who has called me, but I was not expecting her to call – we had agreed that I would be the one to call her, next time, and scheduled in advance. I am wary, but of course, I answer.
"Hello?"
"Hello." A man's voice, and guarded. Not Xi, or anyone else familiar. "Is this Daniel?"
I ignore the impulse to hang up immediately – it wouldn't resolve anything. "May I ask who's speaking, please."
"Ahhh. Well, my name is Grant, Grant Summer."
"I see." Anna's …boyfriend, I suppose. But what does he want? I don't need a mirror to know that I have slipped back into a more guarded mode myself. I can feel it. The tension is still there, my face has relaxed into a neutral blankness. My voice is flat, but not overtly hostile. But is this how I want to present myself? How do I really feel now? Still wary.
"This is Daniel, then?"
"It is, yes." I pause, as I decide what to ask next, or rather, how to phrase it. "How may I help you?"
"Well, obviously, you know who I am. I just wanted to have a chance to talk to you myself." He sounds more confident now, but I still wonder what he really wants.
"Does Anna know about this?"
"No. Well. I told her I was thinking of it, but not that I had decided to. She didn't think it would be a good idea." Maybe confident is the wrong term. He sounds more relaxed. I am not certain that I want to have this conversation at all. What do I have to say to this man?
"And what led you to that decision?"
"Well… Anna did. She's really upset, and I care about her."
What does he mean by that? "And how is this conversation designed to help with that?"
"I guess it's not. I really doubt there is anything that either one of us could do or say to make this resolve neatly… I thought it might help me to help her."
"I'm not sure what you mean."
"Yeah, me either. I guess I'm just trying to decide whether or not I think she should have anything to do with you."
I can't say that it isn't his business, not honestly. Of course he has an interest in this, whether I like it or not. "That's not really your decision to make."
"Well, I guess I can't *make* her do anything, but she trusts me, and she trusts my judgment." Before this call, it didn't bother me, or I didn't believe it did, to think that Anna would try and be happy with someone else. But listening to him talk this way, as though he has the power to change her mind causes my irrational mind to rebel at the idea that it could or should be possible. She is still my wife. There is something between us still, and he is the intruder. To my annoyance, he continues. "If I tell her that, say, you're dangerous to her or Danny, that you are using her, or even that you're just a bad person…"
"I'm not putting her in danger. Her or our son." I hope, at least, that this is true. I know I sound defensive, but why shouldn't I? He is accusing me, if not threatening to sabotage the only thing I have that is important to me.
"Look, this isn't coming across right." He is placating now, but I sense a hint of frustration as well. "I don't know you. I am trying to look out for people that I care very much about. You may be Danny's actual father, but I'm the one who has been helping raise him. He's my son too. He doesn't know any other father. I'm not just going to give them up because you've suddenly shown up from nowhere. But I'm not afraid of losing. I'll fight fair if I think you will, and if I think that she'd be in good hands with you."
Is this a point of honor for him? I recall that, from somewhere, that they're an honorable people. It was meant to be a trait to exploit, but I see no advantage in it. Of course he feels committed. I am disinclined to like him on principle, but that doesn't mean that he is a bad person, or even bad for Anna. He is bad for 'Anna and I', but that is natural. I am not even always sure what I want from her, although things seem so much clearer in this moment.
"I understand." I am still guarded – this man is still my adversary, my enemy. But I am less apprehensive now that I have a better grasp of his intentions. I'd chosen the rules I would play by before I'd ever heard of him. "I want Anna to make her own choices." I want her to choose me because she wants to. If it were otherwise, she would have been mine in Portland, if not long before.
On the other end of the line, Grant is thinking, perhaps trying to judge my answer for its truth. It is what I would do.
"Alright then. She's been talking about going to see you in person. I just needed to know that it was something I could let her risk."
"She is safe with me." So she is considering it, for real this time. And does this mean that she hasn't told him about Portland? Maybe she worried that he would stop her, and maybe he would have.
"I can accept that. But that doesn't mean, Daniel, that I think it's a good idea. I won't stop her if it's what she really wants, but if you are trying to take her away from me then this *is* going to be a fight." It seems an honest challenge.
"I can accept that as well." It is nice to know where things stand on at least one issue in my life.
"I guess that's all I've got to say."
"Then good day, Mr. Summer."
"Same to you." Finally, he hangs up. After all that, I am much less anxious, even satisfied. I don't feel that my reactions were unwarranted, or even over rationalized. It was an acceptable confrontation, and now I know I will see Anna – it is only a matter of time.
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no subject
Date: 2006-05-10 03:40 pm (UTC)"If it were otherwise, she would have been mine in Portland, if not long before." Long before? I don't understand, perhaps. Is he just saying he would have used his powers to track her down earlier?
Is Grant a garou, then? I was fuzzy on that earlier, but he sounds like one here ;) If so, I can't help but think this is going to be remarkably shitty for all concerned!
no subject
Date: 2006-05-10 05:24 pm (UTC)And, um yes. Thus the earlier 'cause them no *unavoidable* problems.... ;)
no subject
Date: 2007-09-18 01:55 am (UTC)I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop...
no subject
Date: 2007-09-18 01:44 pm (UTC)I think Daniel is a little appalled at his own capacity for angsting sometimes... But I hope you are enjoying things! I know the pacing is a little variable at times :/